It’s 10:34 PM and I’m listening to Jayesslee’s Safe and Sound cover. I’ve been scrolling through my tumblr blog for the past hour just because for some reasons, I’m feeling nostalgic tonight. I missed writing about random things. I just missed the days where I don’t feel pressured to produce content that people would actually be interested in. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I write about beauty and lifestyle because it really is my niche but sometimes, like tonight, I just missed ranting and just talking about everything with no particular direction.
Wow, I cannot believe we’re already in October. We always say this and I’m still gonna say it… Time flies. 2017 is almost over and I wish I could say that I did all the things I wanted to do for this year but sadly, I don’t even remember the list. *cringe* *giggles* I haven’t been really active on my social media accounts lately. Personally, I think its a good thing. I’m not so dependent to them unlike before. School has been nothing but a pain in the ass. It’s just so hard to have to commute for 2.5 hours going to school and spend another 2.5 hours going home. It’s really exhausting but I just wanna finish. I used to take my time, I always thought “I don’t wanna rush.” Oh well, news flash, Claudine Ann! You’re already 21 and you’re still in your second year college. So I’ve been really feeling the pressure lately. I need at least a week off from school. *sigh*
It’s been a tough 2-4 months. My mind suffocates the shit out of me that sometimes I just want a break from it. I mean, is that even possible?! I need a break from my own freaking brain? Who does that? Apparently, me. *giggles* It has been a roller coaster. I don’t think anyone’s really gonna read this blog post because I pretty much think no one’s really interested in me so I might as well rant. I hate that people always assume the worst in me. It’s hard to keep up and it’s hard to have to constantly try to prove yourself to people you love. I pretty much avoid all my so-called friends now. I only talk to one which unfortunately lives 6,000 miles away from here. And of course, my boyfriend who I consider the best thing that ever happened to me. *wink* I’m just sad that there are people out there who’s only “friends” with me when they need something from me and the sadder part is that they don’t even care about what will I feel. I’m always the bad guy. If you follow me on twitter, you probably saw my tweets the past few weeks. I’m not just creating a drama because I really am going through something and my only release is Twitter. I just want to free myself from all the toxic people who makes me feel bad about myself, who always blame me. I’m slowly getting there. I’m moving on. I don’t need people who will create anxiety on my mind. I also realized that I’m losing people as I get older and I don’t know if that’s a good thing but I know that it created trust issues AND it made my life boring. I don’t mind though. I just wish people would be more gentle and kind to people. I just hate the fact that they keep throwing words without actually thinking what’s the impact of it to a person’s life. It just sucks that we have to forgive to be free from them but that’s how it works. We have to forgive to move on.
*sigh* I told you, this post has no direction. I’m just blabbing.
My anxiety has been terrible the past few weeks/months. It’s so bad that it made me delete my t w e e t s and my Youtube. I don’t feel bad though because whenever anxiety hits me and I just want to end it, I need to start afresh. I’ll just always feel it creeping it if I don’t get rid of it. I’m trying to control it, believe me, I am. It’s not easy. But hey, it made me want to produce better content. My fingers are crossed. I just really need to surround myself with positive vibes/thoughts. Anxiety and depression is not a joke. It makes you do things you never thought you are capable of doing. It makes you lonely without any reasons, it makes you hate yourself and it makes you feel alone. I’m working on my new Youtube account and I’m currently jotting down ideas so please bare with me!
I also went to an event. It was my first time ever and it felt good. I felt like I could really do it… blogging, I mean. I always feel irrelevant but when I went there, everyone was just nice to me and they really considered me as a blogger which I never really took seriously and honestly I never really saw myself one until that day. It felt official. It was what I needed. It fueled me. I really wanna do good. Blogging is the only thing that kept me sane throughout the years. It was the only thing that I was sure I wanted and loved doing.