This wasn’t planned. I wasn’t supposed to write this post but for some unknown reason, anxiety is eating me up tonight. It’s 10:10 in the evening and I just don’t know what to do until I can finally succumbed to sleep. I wish I can just sleep but unfortunately I can’t.
Oh wow. I cannot believe it’s day 364. Tell me time, will we ever get used to you? You’re so fast. We can’t keep up. I can’t keep up! So, how do I even start this? You know, if anyone told me (before the year even started) that 2017 will be THE year that will have the biggest impact of all the years in my life, I would laugh at their face and tell them to f*ck off. It’s so funny because you’ll never know it.
This year has been a f*cking roller coaster. It was terrible and at the same time, it was amazing. No, it is not the best year but it is the year where I learned so much about myself and the way I think.
Some of the things I learned about myself:
- My anxiety is triggered by my weight, my high school best friends and the people whom I unintentionally don’t vibe with. My weight, not because I hate being fat but because I feel like it is holding me back. I hate how unfit and unhealthy I feel but then why can’t I stop myself from eating? That, I don’t know. I still have to figure that one out myself. One reason is maybe because I don’t think when I eat. I just chew… which is bad. I have this bad habit of checking up on my ex best friends even though they’ve obviously moved on. Don’t get me wrong, I am so happy to see they’re doing good but it still makes me sad. I hate friendship break ups. It’s terrible.
- I expect too much from people. I learned that this is why I usually get disappointed with people. I give too much and I expect them to give that same amount from them.
- I feel pressured by other people’s progress in life. I don’t know what’s up with me and comparing. It’s exhausting. I just need to stop thinking about other people. I need to focus on myself.
- I’m lazy. It’s so funny because I’m aware of my excuses but I let myself.
- I’m not a total introvert. I can be really loud and talkative with the right people. Years of surrounding myself with wall and not befriending people made me an introvert.
- I can’t function well in a cluttered environment. I’m kind of an OC.
- I’m a very clingy person. I like reassurance that we’re good. I constantly need to be talked to or else I’ll feel like somethings up. *cries* I hate this so much about myself.
- I eat too much when I’m happy. I eat too much when I’m stressed.
All these things that I learned about myself, I recognize them. I’m not in denial anymore. I need to accept it so I can move on and grow. I just want 2018 to be the year where I can finally free myself from all the negativity and all the excess baggage. lol.
What happened in 2017?
- I failed 3 subjects last second semester. (AY 2016-2017) *sobs* I was on probation the following semester so I couldn’t take the full units.
- Enrolled myself at Anytime Fitness. Unfortunately, I forgot to freeze my monthly and I couldn’t afford to pay for it (like??? I didn’t see the point of paying if I didn’t use the gym? but yeah it was my fault)
- Moved to wordpress
- Watched HTGAWM, Pretty Little Liars, and Game of Thrones.
- Learned how to use Premiere Pro.
- I bought my mirrorless camera and attempted to vlog (and failed).
- Finally registered at COMELEC.
- Got a student license for the second time.
- We went to Bicol last summer and it was not the best trip I had. Wishing I tried enjoying it but it’s too late.
- Michael and I’s second anniversary.
- Had a huge misunderstanding with my mom. *cries*
- I got a pancake lens.
- My blog got recognized and got invited to a makeup event. (STILL SURREAL)
- Took up drama 2 (production) and Journalism 1 AND I DIED jk
- I ended up being the multimedia designer, makeup artist and video/photographer of the prod and it just consumed ALL my time.
- I met A LOT of people. Thanks to prod. It changed me.
- Althea Korea recognized my blog. I was their October Blogger Of The Month.
- Braved Divisoria in all its Christmas rush glory. lol.
- Our theater play, 20 questions, was successful.
Ugh. That’s all that I can remember. I’m just really really grateful for this year. He gave me so much even though I’m undeserving. A lot of challenges happened and I thought I couldn’t get through them but NEWS FLASH, SELF…. YOU F*CKING DID IT.
I F*CKING DID IT.
I am eternally grateful to all the people who made my 2017. Be it bad or good, I am grateful. This year taught me to be true to myself, to seize the moment and never take it for granted, to have trust in myself – that I can, to be positive, to forgive people and especially myself, to know my limitations – in all aspects, to be strong, to focus on my goals and not be in denial about them, to hustle, to be hopeful… 2017 taught me that its okay to want things, that being sad is okay, that making mistakes is okay, that admitting I’m wrong is okay… There’s just so many things I realized and learned. I know I can’t always apply it in my life but the important thing is, I am aware of it and I’m never fooling myself ever again anymore.
To my prod fam, thank you for believing in me and thank you for being genuine and kind to me. I will treasure the friendship y’all gave me. You just don’t know how much that means to me. It’s definitely one of the plot twists of my 2017.
To my Mikwel who completely turned my life around, thank you for always lifting my spirits up. I am eternally grateful to you. I am in love with you and I’ll never be ashamed of it. We’ve been lowkey for 2 years now, it’s time to let people know how much I love you. You’re everything, baby. Thank you.
Alis Volat Propriis, fly with YOUR own wings. Always.
Contamplare Meliora, seek better things. Always.
Que Sera Sera, whatever happens, happens.
♡ ♡ ♡